Part 10: The importance of sexual tension in “closing” or “sealing the deal”

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.


Can you believe this is post 10 and I’m still coming up with shit to write about on this topic? Since I am, let’s make this one a little more sexy to celebrate.

So let’s talk about sexual tension. You’ve likely come across this term before, and may have heard it being described as the “sparks,” “electricity,” or “chemistry” between two people. Let me try to explain to you what strong sexual tension actually feels like. Imagine that you’re watching a porno or reading some erotic fiction, and it’s good stuff. You *really* want to reach down and beat your meat, but your hands are chained to your chair and no matter what you do, you can’t move your hands closer. Sounds like torture, doesn’t it?

That is the power of sexual tension. I believe it is strongly correlated to lust. If you can create strong sexual tension with a girl, she will want to bang you, even if her gut is saying “I don’t know.” Now, if you’re reading this, I do hope you’re actually a “nice guy,” so please use your powers for good and not evil. Do not use women for sex unless they are also using you for sex and you’re *both* clear about that.

Sexual tension in practice can be described as “wanting to close the physical space” between you and the other person. Wanting to walk closer to the other person. Wanting to touch or kiss the other person, or wanting the other person to touch or kiss you. At its most exciting point, it’s something you both want, but neither of you are 100% sure if the other person feels the other way. That’s part of what makes it exciting.

There have been a bunch of guys I’ve had sexual tension with in the past where it couldn’t go anywhere because of various circumstances (like we worked together and it wouldn’t have been appropriate) and other guys where it *did* go somewhere, where we ending up having a relationship or sexual relations with each other. For the purpose of this post, it doesn’t matter if it went anywhere or not, what is important is that I was *feeling* the sexual tension.

Here’s an example: A few years ago, I was giving a guy a ride home. This is someone I had a class with. I had a crush on him, and I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual because there was always this unspoken sexual tension/electricity between us, especially when we brushed past each other or worked closely on a project together. He was good unsafe (confident, didn’t need validation) and good safe (caring, mature). Whenever we were together, there was always a lot teasing and sexual innuendos thrown around which were only half-jokes. It was fun, but due to some circumstances, we both knew that dating each other would not have been plausible.

So we’re in the car, and it’s getting dark outside. We’d never been in as small a space as this together before, and it definitely has an effect on me. You know that scene in Titanic where Rose and Jack get it on in the car, and they’re steaming up the windows? It’s kind of like that, but instead of steam, it’s sexual tension so fucking thick you could cut through it with a knife. This is all happening without either of us saying very much, just having some bullshit conversation so things don’t get too quiet. Sometimes the unsaid things are the things that you can feel the most.

I reach his house and pull the car to a stop. We both sit there for a moment, not saying anything. In this moment, I’m thinking to myself, if he tries to move closer to me or touch me, I’m not going to say no. Try and kiss me. I won’t turn away. I know this is a bad idea, but fuck, it’s that hands-chained-to-the-seat feeling and if it goes on for a moment longer, I won’t be able to handle it. I *really* want him to close the physical space between us.

He looks at me and I look at him. It’s quiet. Then he says, “Thanks for the ride, Anna. See you in class on Wednesday?” I’m like, “Yeah, see you then.” Then he opens the door and gets out of the car. Some of the tension leaves with him, and some of it stays in the car with me. My body still wants him, but I know he did the right thing by leaving and not taking it to the next level. The next day, after all the crazy tension dissipated, I was *really* glad he didn’t make a move, because that would have made things messy, due to the circumstances that did not allow us to date. The point of this story is to illustrate the power of sexual tension. If you can get a woman to the edge of her seat, the way this guy did to me, you will be able to “close,” or “seal the deal,” or whatever you want to call it.

Another example is Tim from Part 8. Recap: After telling him I just want to be friends, he backs the fuck off and doesn’t try anything. I start getting interested because he switches from safe (too eager, needing my attention) to unsafe (confident, doesn’t need my validation). The tables turn, and I start chasing him. One day soon after, we spoon, and he doesn’t try anything sexual. I’m intrigued by the challenge. I’m starting to feel the lust/tension build up. The next time we’re hanging out, I sit next to him on the bed with the blanket covering our laps, and he does that thing where he traces shapes on my thigh with his fingertips. Totally pushes me over the edge. It was just too much of that hands-chained-to-the-seat feeling, and this time, I couldn’t handle it. Sexual. Tension. Explosion. I throw him the keys to my pants and we get it on.

Those examples should give you some indication of what I think sexual tension actually is. So then the next logical question is, “How do you create sexual tension?” The short answer is to learn to be as “good unsafe” as possible. Become a person who has confidence, is self-assured, doesn’t give a fuck about what others think, and doesn’t need constant validation. Those are they key ingredients I keep reiterating that will attract women. Notice how in all of these posts and in all my examples, I have never once talked about being attracted to anyone who was too easy/safe/eager/needs my attention/validation/is insecure and all the rest? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. It’s not fucking attractive.

Okay, so let’s move on to a few more things about sexual tension. Sexual tension can only exist when both parties are on the same page. If you are crazy about a girl, and she only wants to be friends with you, then sorry, there is no sexual tension there. So then how do you know if she’s feeling it or not? Ah. Remember how I said sexual tension is “wanting to close the physical space” between you and the other person? That is also the tip.

The next time you’re with a friend you like, try some subtle things that close the physical space between you and her and see how she reacts. For instance, let’s say you’re both hanging out at a coffee shop doing some work together on your laptops. You get distracted, go on Facebook, and watch a funny video that one of your friends posted. You want to show it to her, because, you know, it’s funny. So you could be like, “Hey Jen, check this out.” Then move your chair a little closer to hers, point the laptop in her direction and press play. Don’t get way up in her face, just close the space a little bit. Be physically closer, but not creepy. Close enough that you are able to touch her arm easily, but not close enough that you’re *actually* touching her arm.

How does she react? Does she move closer to you also to “get a better view” of the video? Does she move farther away from you and angle the screen so she has a better view that way? If she’s moving closer, it could mean she wants to close the space too and there is possibly some real sexual tension between you two. If she’s not moving away, it could mean something or nothing. If she’s moving away, she might not be feeling it and doesn’t like you as more than a friend.

Now keep in mind that this is just one experiment of many that you could try. It’s hard to draw any type of conclusion after trying something just once. Here’s another way to test: You guys are standing on a bus together, and a bunch of people get on at the next stop. Move slightly closer to her to make room for them. Again, don’t get way up in her face, but do close the physical space a little. See how she reacts. Does she scoot closer to a stranger standing next to her, or does she stay where she is? Does she move closer to you? In both of these examples (video and the bus), each thing could be totally innocent, so it’s low risk. You moved closer to her at the cafe because you wanted to give her a better view of the video. You moved closer to her on the bus because all these people were getting on. People do that shit all the time, it doesn’t have to mean anything. But it *can* mean something. Observe her reactions. Do it a few times, in a few different scenarios. You might get your answer to see if she likes you as more than a friend.

Also, don’t just observe how she reacts to your behavior. What does *she* do when you guys are hanging out? Does she seem to be trying to close the physical space between you guys? Does *she* move herself and her computer closer to you to show you something cool online? Which direction does she move to when strangers get on the bus? Closer to you, or farther away? Observe, observe, observe. But do it casually, not creepily.

Now, remember that none of these tips I write actually guarantee anything. There are too many variables out there, so use this as a guide, not a how-to. Maybe she’s a naturally touchy-feely person and likes being close to all people, not just you. Maybe she does like you but is afraid to say anything or get close to you because she fears rejection. Who knows. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to observe and learn how women react to certain things. It might help you in the long-run with other women. (Also, you can combine this tip with the “two options” technique in Part 3 if you need more of a clue to see if your friend likes you back).

Okay, time to wrap up. Here is an example of sexual tension in a movie, using “Shame” starring Michael Fassbender again. It’s a movie about a sex-addict who displays many unsafe traits, so there are many good examples in it. There’s a scene near the start of the movie that shows him on the train. He’s checking out this woman sitting across from him, and she’s enjoying the attention. She looks back at him and smiles coyly. They stare at each other for a while, and she’s starting to get kind of flushed. You can feel the sexual tension building between them. Soon after, she gets up from her seat to get off at the next stop, and she holds onto the pole near the train door. He gets up too, stands behind her, and holds the pole too, putting his hand right below hers. Their hands are about 1 cm away from touching. We also see a ring on her hand, so she’s either engaged or married. Watch her become kind of breathless as she feels the space close between them. Then the train stops, the doors open, and she hurries out. He gets off the train too, and then looks around for her, but she’s gone.

Another one of those sexual tension explosion times, and also another one of those “circumstances” which would have made it a bad idea for those two to get it on. I think she knew that if she was around him any longer, she wouldn’t have been able to contain herself. The point is not whether he ended up having sex with her, it’s about her state of mind. If you can make women feel that way, you will greatly increase your chances with them. (But don’t do this by being a creepy fucker who stares at women on trains. That was not the purpose of this example. I’m pretty sure this scene would never happen in real-life, because the woman would probably have been majorly disturbed out if a guy really stared that intensely at her).

So, to conclude: Be ‘unsafe’. Create sexual tension. Create interest. Good luck.


5 responses to “Part 10: The importance of sexual tension in “closing” or “sealing the deal”

  • kfizz

    It was funny I had a few moments like this with the girl I like at work. One time I caught her off guard and she did a double take. Trying the prim herself before she turned around. It was some time later in the week on a friday. It was payday I also came by to check the schedule. She was leaning against a shipping box full of clothes talking to a coworker. She did not know I was there. I did not try to startle her my other coworkers saw me walking up so once I came in to view of the coworkers she was talking to. I just said hello to the group, he shoulder jolted up. She went from a laid back stances to nervous as hell. Another time we were talking just chilling in the back working. We were hanging hangers up, she drop a few as you tend to do. I started picking them up, then went past her kinda close to hang one up. I really could not gauge how she reacted. I was kinda tenses myself I know she did no move. We work together friday she just got back from a trip she will want to tell me all about it

  • David

    You’re focusing too much on personality, which is not a primary variable in sexual tension or even attraction. Physical attractiveness has a far greater impact than anything you do or say.

    It’s not about being safe/unsafe, it’s about people’s perception of those traits and that is subconsciously influenced by your physical attractiveness. I walk through downtown all the time and for 99% of the couples, the male is far more physically attractive than the female. I’ve also known several couples that broke up because the guy let himself go.

    I’m saying to become a body builder and I do agree that the safe/unsafe traits help, but being fit has a far greater effect.

  • Lawrence

    My tip is quite large so i’ll try to be gentle ha ha ha ha what can I say.
    Anyways, to be honest, you should not be friends. In my opinion, if you are friends, you fucked up when you first met, by being dishonest. You wanted her, but decided the soft approach only because you were to afraid to put your ass on the line. In general, I am only friends with women that I want to be friends with, if it’s someone I have the hots for, I don’t try to be her friend, simple as. Too many friend-zone episodes have taught me that you should not be friends with a girl you want to be with. Too many feelings getting crossed and up-ended. Better to not be friends than to be friends. There are exceptions though. If made a play right at the start and she was like I only want to be friends, then you have a choice. If you liked her personality and had fun, at least you know there is nothing in it and you can chill the fuck out, instead of trying to be a false version of yourself( something we all do when trying to impress someone. We withhold opinions or agree with something they said just because we want in on the intimacy, rather than it being our honest opinion).
    The bonus here is that like what the blogger said in that your cavalier attitude may create attraction. This is a bit stupid though really, I means that the person lied to themselves about you and in reality they were attracted to you all along, they just didn’t think you had the qualities that they think that they look for in a person. Because you have other qualities, they assume that you wouldn’t be a good match. A ted talk expressed it like this: When you find someone physically attractive but then find that you have no chemistry what is actually happening is that you think the other person cannot hurt you in the way you require in order to feel love. What you are really looking for is someone who can hurt you in the same way your parents hurt you when you were young. The author is of the mind that she enjoys a challenge and that she prefers the man to express a don’t give a fuck attitude. This is probably directly correlates with how her father made her feel when she was young. The hurt she felt was probably due to her fathers difficulty in getting his attention, probably preoccupied with other things and seemed to come across as though he didn’t give a fuck about her. Just an educated guess, feel free to put me right.


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